Taking charge

Today I called the vet who does home euthanasia to inquire about how much lead time she needs. Even if it isn't yet time, that day will come when Fig's cancer robs him of his ability to enjoy life, and I don't want him to suffer. When I think about it, though, I wonder if that choice is selfish or loving - if given the choice, would Fig prefer additional days of life, even if he was in pain or felt sick, over being euthanized soon after his quality of life is significantly diminished? That seems like such a philosophical question, beyond the realm of the feline mind. My hunch is that Fig, like other living beings, wants to hang onto his life - it is a biological imperative programmed into us. Yet is that the right thing to do, when euthanasia is an option? When I search my heart honestly, there is no black and white answer, only positions I choose to adopt or reject. It's not easy.

In any event, after making the call, I wept. My heart is breaking at the prospect of losing such a beautiful spirit in my life. My home will seem a little less like one without his furry presence, my mornings a bit emptier without his company in the kitchen as I put on the water for tea and prepare his breakfast. The simple comfort of his soft, sweet fur against my cheek or the joy of looking into his expressive eyes will be gone. What will remain is a wealth of memories, over a decade of them.

I've lived with pets my whole life: dogs, cats, hamsters, mice, birds, goldfish, turtles, snakes, and even a rabbit. While I've had bonds of varying intensity with my animal companions over the years, they have each enriched my life.

Now I find myself facing the possibility of being without animal companionship. Much in my life, my future, is still in the process of unfolding and it may be that I am unable to make a 10 to 15 plus year commitment to another cat. In the past I would have adopted a kitten or cat after some period of time, and fallen in love all over again. Not replacing the original pet, but allowing my need to nurture and bond with an animal to find expression. Right now, that path is not as clear cut.

It is time to begin considering other options, though. Perhaps a shorter lived pet - another adult cat or a rodent, for example. Or perhaps fostering, although giving them up to their permanent homes would be difficult. Tomorrow I am visiting a wildlife rehabilitation center. Maybe I can continue to connect with animals during this life transition as a volunteer who works with them. Lots to think about.